Troubles and Treats

Page 56

“Oh my God, my eyes are so itchy,” one of the women complain.

From behind me, I hear hacking coughs and I turn to see what’s going on with Jim and Carter but my eyes are watering so bad I can barely see them.

Next to me, two of the women start coughing and complaining that their throats itch.

What the f**k is going on?! Is this the f**king zombie apocalypse? Are we all infected with something that’s going to make us foam at the mouth and eat people’s faces??!

“Fuck! Did you guys eat bath salts tonight? Did you breathe bath salts on me or something?” I ask the women as I too start coughing and tears run down my cheeks.

My eyes are starting to burn and itch at the same time, and I feel like I can’t cough hard enough or long enough to stop my throat from itching.

“Drew!” Jim yells between hacking coughs from the counter.

I drop the bullet and c**k ring on the floor and tell the women not to move which is pointless because two of them are now sitting on the floor clawing at their eyes while the other one is leaning against a display case sneezing over and over.

I scramble back to the counter as best I can since my eyes are watering so badly that everything is blurry. My coughing gets worse the closer I get to Jim and Carter, and I see they are having the same problems I am. Carter is sitting on the floor behind the counter digging his fists in his eyes while he sneezes and Jim is dry heaving in between coughs.

“What the f**k is going on?!” Jim yells as I stumble behind the counter and sneeze six times in a row.

“It’s the f**king zombie virus! Son of a bitch, I told you this day was coming! No one believed me and you all laughed. Well, who the f**k is laughing now?! If I go first, you kill me before I eat ANYONE’S face off, do you hear me?” I scream at Jim.

A hand clamps around my ankle, and I scream like a girl and jump up onto the counter. I look down and see Carter staring up at me with a scared look on his face.

“I don’t want to eat people either! Don’t let me eat people! They say it tastes like chicken but I don’t believe them. PEOPLE TASTE LIKE PEOPLE NOT CHICKEN!”

I nod my head, too busy coughing and wiping the tears out of my eyes to do much else. I glance behind me to check on the three women and see them crawling on all fours to get to the front door.


They can’t go outside. The streets are probably overrun with creepy bloody people chewing on arms and toes.

The women scream at the top of their lungs and are half crawling, half running as they try to get up off of the floor. They are coughing and crying and screaming and shoving displays and each other out of their way to get to the door. They don’t listen to my shouts of warning at all, and before I know it, they are out the door and lost to the zombies.

“It’s so sad. They were so pretty. Now we won’t even be able to recognize them the next time we see them,” Jim says sadly as I continue to cough.

“I need to call Jenny and tell her I love her,” I say between sneezes as I reach for the phone on the counter.

I dial our home number and she answers on the first ring but she sounds funny.

“Mmmmmm, mmmmfffuh”

Oh my god, has she been turned already?!

“NOOOOO! Jenny! Baby! Did they get to you already? Are you already a zombie? Oh my God!” I scream into the phone.

“What? Jenny’s a zombie?” Jim asks from behind me before dissolving into another coughing fit. “Shit! I need to call Liz.”

I hear a cough on the other end of the phone and I know that if Jenny isn’t a zombie yet, she will be soon.

“Fight the virus, baby, FIGHT IT!” I scream.

“Drew? What the hell are you talking about? I was taking a nap. What time is it?” she asks.

“IT’S ZOMBIE TIME! Lock the doors, baby. Don’t let them eat your face!” I tell her.

“MY FACE IS BURNING!” Carter yells from the floor as he scratches his cheeks.

“We need an antidote! What the f**k is an antidote for zombies?” I yell to Jim.

“What the hell does your Aunt Dottie have to do with zombies?” Jenny asks through the phone line. “Did you eat pot cookies again? You know what those do to you.”

A flash of blue and red lights catches my attention, and I turn around and look out the front window.

“It’s the cops. They’ve come to save us,” I say.

“Or they’re really zombie cops and they’ve come to eat our legs,” Jim adds.


“Yes, officer. I’ll make sure they are never left unsupervised again,” Liz tells the cop as he gets in his cruiser and then takes off.

Jim, Carter, and I are all sitting on the curb outside of the store with wet towels pressed to our eyes and bottles of water clutched in our hands.

Even though we can’t see right now, we can tell that Liz is looking at each one of us like she wants to murder us.

“What in the f**king hell were you guys thinking?” she asks.

I can hear her shoes tapping on the concrete right in front of us, and I close my legs to protect my nuts, just in case.

“You three morons thought you would spray mace in the  p**n  room because it was a closed room. And yet somehow, during the planning of this stellar idea, you failed to remember this little thing called a VENTILATION SYSTEM. And you know, since it’s winter and all, the heat is on, pushing air and MACE from the f**king VENTILATION SYSTEM out into the entire store,” Liz explains angrily.

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