“Fuck your mother. I’m wearing blue. I already found my dress,” Mom argues.
“I’m the mother of the bride. The mother of the f**king bride! That means it’s up to me!” Liz fires back.
“Claire, I think you would look lovely in blue,” Tyler pipes in.
Mom turns to face Tyler and folds her arms on top of the table. “When I’m finished neutering you, I’m going to take your tiny little neuticles and light them on fire.”
Putting my elbows on the table and my head in my hands, I try to tune out the conversation going on around me. How in the hell do my mom and Liz know I’m in love with Charlotte? How is this possible? And if they know, does Charlotte know? She can’t know. There’s no way.
“You should probably take hair pulling off of the list. Charlotte never even liked it when I brushed her hair when she was little. She has a sensitive head,” Liz informs me.
“You should buy her flowers.”
“Or jewelry. Women love getting jewelry.”
“I never cared much for jewelry. I was happy if he just remembered to put the toilet seat down.”
“True. Put down the toilet seat. Ooooh, make her a mix tape! Those are always fun.”
“Nineteen-eighty-five called, they want their idea back.”
“Suck my dick.”
“This is better than watching p**n ,” Tyler whispers in awe as my mom and Liz go back and forth.
“Can we all just stop talking about this right now? I am not in love with her, I’m not making her a mix tape, and we’re not getting married,” I tell them, finally looking up from the table.
“You’re not in love with who? Are you dating someone now?”
Whipping around in my chair, I see Charlotte standing in the kitchen doorway with a look of horror on her face. Of course all of the idiots in the room with me choose NOW to not say anything, and the silence drags on for so long that I feel like I might puke again.
“Gavin? Are you seeing someone?” she asks again.
I should just tell her now. Tell her that there could never possibly be anyone else because I’ve been in love with her since I was six. Tell her that she’s beautiful and sweet and amazing and I want to spend the rest of my life loving her.
But I don’t. I sit here with my mouth open like a tool.
“Dude, didn’t he tell you? He met this totally hot chick at a bar a few weeks ago. Seriously, we’re talking super model hot. And she used to be a gymnast so she’s real bendy. Nice girl. Huge rack.”
I don’t know what the f**k Tyler is saying right now, and I can’t even do anything to stop him because I’m frozen in my seat. Charlotte looks like I did an hour ago when I jumped up and ran off the deck. She looks sick to her stomach and like she might cry at any second. She’s probably completely disgusted with me right now. I pulled her hair, puked in her lawn, and now I’m dating a pretend woman with big boobs.
“What are you doing back so soon? I thought you and Rocco were going to dinner,” Aunt Liz asks, and Charlotte finally looks away from me and goes over to the sink to pour herself a glass of water.
“We just got something quick. One of his friends called when we were finishing up and asked him to go shoe shopping, so I just had him drop me off,” Charlotte tells her as she polishes off her water and puts the glass in the sink.
“I’m sorry, did you just say your boyfriend ditched you to go shoe shopping?” my mom asks her.
Charlotte sighs and crosses her arms in front of her. “He didn’t ditch me. I told him he could go because I was tired.”
“You don’t really mean shoe shopping right? You meant to say shopping for sports equipment or a new surround sound system, right?” Aunt Liz asks.
“He told us his favorite book of all time was Under the Rainbow: The Real Liza Minnelli. I’m pretty sure shoe shopping would be right up his alley,” Mom reminds her.
“Has Rocco gotten the memo yet that he’s g*y?” Aunt Liz questions her.
Tyler starts laughing hysterically and reaches his hand up to fist-bump my aunt.
“Seriously, Mom? Are you judging him? That’s really low,” Charlotte complains.
“I’m not judging him. Some of the best people I’ve ever met are g*y. I just don’t particularly want my daughter dating someone who’s g*y.”
Charlotte stomps her foot and growls at Liz, and I have to tell myself not to get too excited. I love seeing her get fired up. Her cheeks turn pink and her eyes sparkle. Now is NOT the time to get a boner.
“He is NOT g*y! He’s just … he’s in touch with his feminine side.”
Tyler snorts and Charlotte shoots an angry look in his direction.
“Honey, he doesn’t have a feminine side. He has a vagina,” Aunt Liz informs her.
Before Charlotte can go completely ape shit on her mother, a loud banging sound comes from the living room followed by a bunch of cursing. A few seconds later, Aunt Jenny walks in with a scowl on her face.
“You really need to get that French door to the backyard fixed, Liz. All the humility has made it stick and it doesn’t open very easily.”
“Ahhhh yes, the humility in the air. We’ve humbled the door into not opening for people,” Aunt Liz replies.
“I’m going to bed. Gavin, don’t forget we’re all going out tomorrow night. Make sure to invite this new girlfriend of yours so I can meet her,” Charlotte says as she walks behind me and pats me on the shoulder before she leaves the room.