“Oh my God, I’m totally going to cry. Liz, get me a tissue,” Aunt Claire says.
“Get your own f**king tissue, you whore,” Mom sniffles.
“I’m still wearing the blue dress to the wedding,” Aunt Claire tells her as I wrap my arms around Carter’s neck.
“We are going to throw down right the f**k now. Jim, get the Fight Club DVD. This is totally happening,” Mom states.
“I’m going to punch you right in the ovaries.”
“Yeah, well I’m going to be the first one to walk down the aisle, so you’re going to look like a dick when you waltz down in your subpar blue dress.”
“I’m going to make you wear a suck-for-a-buck shirt at her bachelorette party.”
“Oh no you DIDN’T just say that to me!”
“Oh yeah, that JUST happened!”
“Their first born is going to be named after me.”
“Your name is bullshit.”
Breaking the kiss, I pull back and look at Gavin.
“Are you sure about this? I don’t know if our families are going to survive,” I tell him softly with a smile.
“Jim, get me the basket of dinner rolls from the kitchen. There are twelve with Claire’s face written all over them.”
“Carter, get me the mashed potatoes and turn on the ceiling fan. This bitch is going down.”
Gavin laughs and shakes his head. “Love and lists. Just remember, love and lists. Nothing else matters.”
Pulling Gavin’s mouth back down to mine, I forget all about the chaos surrounding us and just enjoy the moment.
“Alright, that’s enough. Break it up. I’ve got a face to beat up,” my dad announces.
Gavin looks over my shoulder and his smile instantly falls. “Oh shit. He’s serious.”
“Run, Virginityman, run!” Tyler shouts.
Epilogue - Gavin
Hand in hand with Charlotte, we walk around to the back of her parents’ house. It’s no longer her house anymore since she moved into my apartment last week.
Can I get a round of applause, folks?! Or maybe just a “FUCK YEAH!”?
“This is so weird. Just a few months ago I was making this same walk with Tyler, giving myself a pep talk about my list,” I tell Charlotte with a laugh.
“Yeah, well I was inside the house at that same time freaking out about whether or not Rocco was going to be convincing as my boyfriend,” she replies.
“I’m so glad I never killed him. He has great taste in shoes.” I look down at her platform wedges that make her long legs look f**king hot.
“Don’t even think about it, Gavin. We are not sneaking off into the bushes to have sex at my parents’ house,” Charlotte warns me as I continue to stare at her legs while we walk.
“That’s probably a wise decision since I’m pretty sure my puke is still in those bushes.”
Once Charlotte finally came clean that she and Rocco were never really dating, he and I actually became good friends. I’ve had to put him in his place a few times when he makes comments about my great ass, but all in all, having a g*y dude as a friend is pretty awesome. I pretend like I never hated him or wished that a rabid infestation of crabs would chew off his dick, and he takes me shopping to pick out sexy shoes and lingerie for Charlotte. It’s perfect.
I’m still working my ass off at Seduction and Snacks and loving every minute of it, especially now that I have a new co-worker. Charlotte accepted a position as the new Media Sales Rep for the business, and Aunt Liz couldn’t be happier. We all decided that from now on it would be a good idea for her to do the ribbon cutting ceremonies at sex toy shops. Less chance of humiliating newspaper headlines that way since I’m pretty sure Charlotte won’t be ODing on Viagra anytime soon. At least I hope not. I wonder what Viagra does to a vagina? I should ask Uncle Drew. I’m sure he knows.
As soon as we get to the back yard, we’re immediately greeted by the sounds of screaming.
“What the f**k is that?” I ask Uncle Drew as he walks up to us.
“That, my little ass**le, is a screaming goat. Molly showed me this awesome video on YouTube and I had to get one,” Uncle Drew says with a huge smile.
Uncle Drew turns around and points proudly to a little black and white goat tied to one of Aunt Liz and Uncle Jim’s trees. “Isn’t she cute? Her name is Taylor Swift.”
“GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” the goat screams as she looks right at us.
“I don’t even understand what is happening right now,” I reply with a shake of my head.
“I’ve been trying to teach her—”
“How to sing a—”
“Song, but she never comes in at the right—”
“SON OF A BITCH, TAYLOR SWIFT! I TOLD YOU, NOT UNTIL THE CHORUS!” Uncle Drew yells across the yard as he turns and walks away from us.
“Do you think Uncle Drew is ever going to grow up?” Charlotte asks me as we watch him have a conversation with the goat, his arms flying in every direction as he tries to explain to her what she did wrong.
I turn toward Charlotte and wrap my arms around her waist. I start to lean down for a kiss, but of course we’re interrupted.