Love and Lists

Page 42

“Who the hell are you supposed to be?” Gavin asks, pointing to Uncle Drew and his T-shirt that says: Don’t scare me, I poop easily.

Uncle Drew reaches over to the kitchen table and grabs a mask, sliding it over his face. “I’m Michael Myers, bitch!”

“I don’t think Michael Myers would wear a shirt like that,” Uncle Carter tells him.

“Fuck all your mothers. Everybody poops, even Michael Myers. Is it later now? Can we finally go?”


The scream echoes through the forest and makes us all wince at the ear-piercing sound as we walk along the dark trail through the trees.

We’ve been listening to these screams for the past twenty minutes as we make our way through the Halloween Walk. There are jack-o-lanterns with candles in them lining the walkway and helping us see where we were going, but other than that, it’s pitch dark until we come up on another Halloween display every hundred yards or so.

Since it’s dark, Gavin and I have been able to steal a few hand-holding moments here and there, and while everyone was occupied with one of the haunted houses, he pulled me around the side of the house, pressed me up against it, and kissed me in the dark. My legs are still a little bit shaky from that kiss.

We pass the tree of skeletons. Over two hundred glow-in-the-dark skeletons hang down from a tree that has black lights shining on it to make them seem even more eerie. A man dressed in all black with glow-in-the-dark bones on his clothes jumps out and yells, “Boo,” which is the most recent cause for the ear-piercing scream.

“I swear to God if he screams one more time, I’m leaving his ass in the woods,” Tyler complains.

“Be nice. This walk is a little more scary this year,” I tell him.


I cringe as another shriek fills the night air and our small group trudges farther down the path.

“Seriously? You could see the mechanical arms on that thing,” Tyler says with a roll of his eyes. “What a pu**y.”

I feel a tug on my hand and looked down at Josh, clutching tightly onto both Gavin and I as he walks between us.

“Hey, Charlotte. What the heck is wrong with the guy with the poop shirt? Why does he keep screaming so much?”

I laugh and shake my head at him.

“His name is Drew and he’s a big baby, that’s what’s wrong with him,” Gavin answers for me.

“Hey! I heard that,” Uncle Drew yells from a few feet in front of us.

“You were supposed to hear that, dumbass,” Gavin replies.

“Awwww, you said ass,” Josh scolds.

“Yeah, so did you. So there!” Gavin sticks his tongue out at Josh.

We stop to look at a tombstone display while the others continue walking ahead.

“Are you ready to talk to me yet?” Gavin asks.

No! Distraction!

“Ha, look at that tombstone! It says Bea A. Fraid. Hilarious!” I say nervously.

“Charlotte, I lov—”

“MENSTRUAL CRAMPS!” I shout, cutting him off.

“What are men’s tall craps?” Josh asks.

Shit, I forgot he’s still with us.

“Do tall men get craps? I’m gonna be tall when I get bigger. I wanna get the craps,” Josh adds. “Gavin, do you get the craps?”

Gavin looks down at Josh in horror and then back up at me. “I think I hear my mom calling us. WE’RE COMING, MOM!”

Gavin turns and walks away quickly, and I follow behind him with Josh.

“I’m gonna tell my mom I’m getting the craps. This is gonna be awesome!”

Well, at least kids are good for one thing.

Chapter 20 – Old Man Balls


We’re almost finished with the walk when a man dressed up as the Grim Reaper is suddenly walking elbow-to-elbow with Uncle Drew, staring straight at him as he walks, not saying a word.

“Hey you! Mean guy! Get away from poop guy before he cries!” Josh yells.

We all laugh at the prospect of Uncle Drew breaking down in the middle of the woods crying, but Josh’s shout stops the Grim Reaper in his tracks. He slinks back off into the woods to wait for the next group of unsuspecting walkers to come through so he can scare them.

There are a few more small houses set up along the path that they turned into haunted houses, and we come up to the first one. Aunt Claire didn’t want to take Josh through it just in case it was too scary, but he insisted.

My dad bought him a light-up wand when we first got to the Halloween Walk, and he wields it in front of him as we slowly make our way into the house.

“Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God,” Uncle Drew chants quietly over and over.

“Will you shut up?” Dad scolds him in a loud whisper.

Cobwebs hang from the ceiling, body parts with blood all over them litter the floor and dangle from the walls, and a strobe light flashes as the sounds of scary music is piped through the house. We twist and turn through the maze of the rooms, electronic bats falling down from the ceiling around one turn, a mummy popping up from a coffin around another, and a person dressed up like Freddy Kruger jumping out at us close to the exit.

As soon as the guy leaps out from behind the door and throws his razor fingernails up at us, Josh smacks him in the hand with his light stick.

“OW!” screams Freddy Kruger as he clutches his injured razor hand to his chest.

“Ha! Not so tough now, are you, Fred?” Uncle Drew laughs as he walks by the guy and out the exit.

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