Love and Lists

Page 20

We clink our shot glasses together, and as I bring mine up to my lips, Tyler adds, “To Mangina. Thanks for looking at some chick tonight and screaming ‘WILD PUSSY!’ at her. The punch she gave you to the face was the best thing I’ve seen in my entire life.”

Rolling over in bed, I’m immediately assaulted with a pounding headache and the need to throw up. I groan as I move both of my hands up to my head and hold it in place. Slowly opening my eyes so that the bright morning sun doesn’t make it feel like knives are stabbing through my skull, I scream and scramble up the bed until I slam against the headboard.


Tyler opens his eyes with a groan and glances up at me. “Will you stop shouting? It’s too early for this shit.”

I stare in horror as he reaches down and scratches his balls.

“Dude, WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU NAKED?” I yell again.

Tyler yawns and scoots up until his back is against the headboard next to me. I immediately move as far away from him as possible without falling off the edge of the bed.

He casually looks down at himself and then up at me. “Oh my God. I’m naked and you’re afraid. It’s the Ohio version of Naked and Afraid. You should be building a fire and trying to make a bikini out of palms right now.”

“Why do we make such bad life choices?!” I shout.

“Naked … and afraid,” he whispers menacingly with a laugh as he pulls one of legs up to rest his arm on top of it casually.

“What the hell happened last night? I don’t remember anything after that last shot, except for a bunch of people screaming ‘Wild Pussy’ all night. Did that really happen?” I ask him as I get up out of bed and try to locate my cell phone.

“I roofied you because I wanted you naked … and afraid,” Tyler says again in a sinister voice.

As I get down on my knees to look for my phone under the bed, I hear my front door open and close. Before I can yell at Tyler to put some f**king clothes on, my dad is in the bedroom doorway.

“Gavin, I brought over some of your mail that …”

He trails off when he sees me on my knees at the edge of the bed and Tyler casually lounging naked against the headboard.

“It’s not what it looks like,” I tell him with a sigh as he stares at both of us in horror.

“Yo, Mr. Ellis! Welcome to Naked and Afraid,” Tyler says with a wave to my dad.

“I feel like I’m in The Crying Game right now,” Dad mutters with a sad shake of his head.

Tyler swings his legs over the side of the bed and stands up, putting his hands on his hips. “Did you bring your lovely wife with you this morning? I should go and say hi.” Tyler smiles.

“Tyler, for the love of God, cover your junk. I just had breakfast and I might puke. Gavin, your mail is on the counter. And just so you know, your mother and I will still love you no matter what life choices you make.”

Dad turns and walks away as Tyler swings around gives me a big smile. “Naked … and afraid, mother f**ker!”

I don’t know what happened last night, but at least I remember one thing. Charlotte kissed me. That means I have successfully completed one item on the list. I’m no longer oh-for-four. Game on, bitches!

Chapter 9 – The Telephone

“So let me get this straight. There’s a secret testing room at Seduction and Snacks and I haven’t been invited? Remind me again why we’re still friends?” Tyler asks as he kicks back in his chair and puts his feet up on my desk.

“It’s not what you think. Women don’t go in there and actually USE the toys. Get your feet off of my desk.” I reach over and smack the bottom of one of his shoes.

“You’re totally lying to me right now. I bet you have a two-way mirror in this place somewhere and you can just sit there watching hot chicks diddle themselves. I can’t believe you’ve kept this from me all these years,” Tyler complains.

I made the mistake of telling Tyler that we had a product-testing group coming in today to give us their thoughts about our newest toy, The Telephone. Every time we come out with something new, we send out free samples to fifty customers who’ve signed up to be on our testing list. They agree to use the product for at least a week and then come in on a scheduled date to discuss the product with other customers and fill out a survey about it. We do it in small groups of ten, and today the first group for The Telephone is showing up in a half hour. Tyler called me to see about meeting for lunch, and when I declined and gave him the reason, he hung up on me. Fifteen minutes later he showed up in my office.

“I’m not lying to you. It’s actually pretty boring. We do have a two-way mirror, but I just sit on the other side taking notes about people’s opinions.”

Tyler shakes his head, still not believing me. “Liar. Take me to the diddlers.”

Ava walks into my office and places the form I gave her an hour ago in front of me. “Gavin, I can’t figure out the copier, so you’re going to have to get someone else to make copies of these surveys.”

“Ava, you’re looking particularly slutty today. How about we get out of here and—”

“Stop talking to me,” Ava interrupts.

Tyler places his hand over his heart and pretends to look wounded. “That hurts, Ava. Really hurts.”

“Just being in the same room with you makes me want to start taking antibiotics,” Ava complains before turning back to me. “So, anyway, I can’t make these copies. It’s too hard.”

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